Thursday, October 21, 2010

Now That I'm Normal Again, I'm Freaking Out

So, I'm normal.  In that I'm sober.  I'm also freshly minted from the factory, as in with stickers and cellophane wrap and hard edged plastic that gets in your way.  That is, I just recently had a very small surgery to remove one of the four of the small somethings called a parathyroid--they basically regulate calcium in your body.  The take away point is that, for the past three or  more years, I've had unusually high calcium in my blood, which means that my mental and to some extent physical functioning has been impaired to some degree that I don't know with specificity.  However, after doing a little bit of research, I'm confident enough to know that calcium co-exists with a number of other materials to provide much needed functions, like thinking and whatnot.  So symptoms of high calcium in the blood range from depression and anxiety to fatigue and other stuff. All which is to point to the fact that I'm absolutely normal now.  But I feel like I'm going about a thousand miles a minute, literally.  I stopped taking the pain killers the doctor prescribed for fear of a nervous breakdown, and I'm only half kidding.  Things are so crystal clear that they shake.  And I can see all of the facets of my life that I don't like, that aren't even really acceptable, and I have no way to edit out the clarity with which I see this stuff, mostly the major function of the day, but more than that too.  Almost everything is coated with a patina of "how did it get to be like this?" goo that I can't undo and I can't make too much sense of, which would be fine if my mind wasn't in a state of overdrive sense-making type mission seeking thing that it is in right now.  I desperately want something hard and real that is also meaningful and acceptable and it doesn't exist.

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