Monday, August 16, 2010

Why I'm Here

I decided to start writing this blog because I don't have many real springboards to turn to regarding conversations about not drinking. I'm about to turn 29, and thought that, since I've had bouts of sobriety earlier in my life (and, ahem, bouts of non-sobriety) it would be a good idea to stay straight and sober for a year, until I'm 30, at least.  I haven't made it to a year before. I'll try to write here every day for a year or more, excluding a two week point in September when I won't have access to a computer, but I plan to take notes and come back to post them. 

So, where to start?  First, I don't know what to think of alcoholics anonymous. I haven't been to a meeting, and I don't know if I will do so.  Second.  I'm not sure what I consider myself in the continuum of alcoholic to casual drinker, but not drinking seems like a good idea for various reasons that I'll explore in future posts.  Third, why a year? Well, I need to set some goal here.  I know it is potentially dangerous to think about this in a block of time, because it sets up a  certain trend of return/reward to drinking type thinking, and before in my life, when I stopped drinking for six months, within two weeks upon the resumption of drinking, it felt as if I hadn't stopped. So, with that said, I don't know if I can start to contemplate never drinking again.  That's probably why the day at a time saying exists--how can you conceptualize the rest of your life regarding a single variable, anyway? 

One thing, though: I'm not going to pretend that this is some existential journey or fantasy. There are real results to consistently drinking too much, and I'm not engaged in a game here.  I am convinced that my drinking is of sufficient depth and range that I'm at risk for further damage (yes, I now assume that drinking changed some of the trajectory of my life, why deny it?). I'm starting this in part so that  I don't decide to drink with any piece of spare time.  With startling self-consciousness, though, I realize that I don't want to confess that I have a reason not to drink.

But I do have a certain faith that not-drinking will cause better events to unfold in the future, and, conversely, keep some bad events at bay. Sheez, see how easy it is to glide down that gentle path and take nothing in the way of responsibility? I also cannot just fill these pages with the longing to drink, so I won't consciously do so. I'll admit that I also want to have something productive to do every day that I don't drink.
And, while there's a ton of chores to do, they're not exactly as soothing as writing some thoughts down,
plain and simple.

As far as commenting, I encourage it, and will try to respond if possible.  As far as posts go, like I said: at least one a day. If for some reason I cannot post, I'll do two posts the next day, jotting some notes down on paper in the interim. Okay?  So, that just about settles that.

On to not drinking.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sober for 5 weeks now. Decided to "rise above" marital problems that I used for an excuse to drink. Went to AA meetings about 30 years ago, but started back drinking after spouse accused me of using AA to meet sex partners. Still have same marital problems, but put top priority on not drinking. Working one problem at a time, one day at a time. Still having hell not drinking after 50 years of 7-10 beers every night.

Anyone with similar problems? Solutions?

Scotts Contracting said...

On the eve of my 10th year of no booze. I was blog surfing and landed here. What a treat it has been. Love the between the line innuendos and your wit. Now that its been ten years for me and what started out as an experiment to see if my life got better without booze...(and it did and keeps getting better)...every year I ask myself what are you going to do next year? Drink or No Drinking? This year was the easiest decision yet...because my brain finally figured out: 'why would I ever want to live any other way!' You can do it. Find what works for you. AA isn't for me. I had to trick my brain ie: the experiment...good luck. Peace, Scotty

Anonymous said...

Don't want to drink anymore either. Three weeks sober and in my forth week. enjoy the posts. Rather have my teeth drilled than go to an AA meeting. More power to them but it's not for me. Really appreciate this page.

A better way. said...

Your blog has inspired me to put my efforts and reasons for quitting the drink into a blog. I love everyone's comments here and I'm very encouraged by them all. Thank you everyone!
I am SICK of drinking. I'm angry at myself right now and determined to get right. The comments here have made me feel like I'm not the only one to have come to this realization. I'm on day 3 without beer and I feel like crap. Cant sleep. Tired though. I'm feeling introverted and I don't want to go out of the house at all. I have no food in the house and no desire to face the public at the grocery store. That would mean a shower, makeup, clean clothes, bright eyes. Nope I'm going to go get a burger at the drive through and come home and sleep.

Carmen said...

Hi, I love your blog, and hello to the commenters, I hope you are getting better all the time...

Just wanted to share a few things from my 'starting point' in recovery. I'm 27 and have drank for ten years. I never thought it was a problem, until a personal life problem caused me to hit it hard, and then I was nearly dead and had to go into rehab. So they told me that addictions go in one year and ten year cycles. That it was important to 'aim for abstinance' that often after a year, most addicts would decide to take a drink becuase they felt a year was time to celebrate. and that ten years was also a risk point similarly. I also learnt from others shared experience, in aa, that relapse's are terrible, and WORSE than when you first drank. And to aim to avoid it at all costs. I met a man who was a drug counsellor who told me that alcohol is a terrible drug which ravages the body and mind, and also another friend who told me she had heard from a doctor friend that alcohol is the hardest drug to quit..that cocaine is like giving up painkillers in comparison. So I'm so proud of myself, and have to aim for abstinance. Please wish me well as I do you, the support of communities in the sense that we share our experience, journey, and all that we have learnt with each other. I also learnt that

Carmen said...

, sharing and listening is hard, but invaluable. I am now nine months sober. and it was only about a month ago that I began to actually feel a bit better in myself. :) Now I feel like I have a terrible hangover, but one that can mildly function. I hope that within a year I will feel Like I can actually start to build the kind of ife that I want, (via studying/working towards it) love, carmen

Scotts Contracting said...

Another year has past by for me. My experiment is still working and I've found that this past year there were less temptations thus making the decision to go another year was a 'no-brainer' because: I don't make the bad decisions that I made while drinking.

I've previously stated that I don't participate 'actively' in the AA program. But I once did and I took from it a few things that have helped me out.

I feel the honesty part is/was ranks up there in learning how I retrained my brain. Those issues "once tackled" weren't as difficult to overcome as I thought.

Every now and then even after all this time I feel/think about drinking in my passing thoughts. But now: I've trained my brain to say-"Why would you ever want to go back to the way you were? "Since I'm now honest with myself and can see the positive changes it makes staying sober really easy.

tbird said...

day 1 !!! for me but it always starts at day 1 right...i been drinking hard since my mom passed away 4 years ago i dont think i have been sober more than 10 days in the last 2 years and its making me feel horrible..i really dont have a support system since i have no family here in the states...the husband dont get no off this bc i dont think he knows what alcoholism really is...glad i found this blog and hopefully i can vent a lil without being judged

thanks all

Anonymous said...

hey, i'm 44 and i've been drinking for the last 44 years. but this winter i went into a really bad depression and finally realized how much alcohol was affecting my life. i stopped getting drunk this month and to my surprise began having withdrawal (anxiety, exhaustion). now, i am seriously considering quitting. it is still hard to believe i have this problem although the signs of the abuse are all around. what an insidious problem. i hope to remain sober, one day at a time.