Thursday, February 10, 2011

What's the Thing?

What the subject, object, occurrence, pattern, behavior, person, politic, word, hand motion, lip curl, or phrase that gets under your skin?

Whats the thing that you are most ashamed about concerning yourself.  You know, like, the thing that you'd be afraid to tell even your closest friend, the thing that you barely admit to yourself, and only on a good day when you look in the mirror and are sure you can beat it out?

Take that shit out, and put it on display.  You'll feel better for it.

Me, I feel like a failure half the time.  You know, like not totally incompetent, but at least that the congruency that was oh-so-apparent between my shining internal self and the dastardly grey of the world that surrounded my skin wasn't exactly, you know, apparent, to other people.  You know what I mean?

Now, feeling like a failure has some advantages.  You want to know what they are?  What could they possibly be?  If there were none, why would I feel that way?  Well, here's an idea, self.  It is downright comfortable to feel like a failure half the time. It is easy to sit down on the couch and not care if I'm a failure.  If I'm a failure, I don't have to try that much. Yep, trying is hard.  Being a failure, that's like hard when I have to face it, but it provides THE justificatory schematic for me to ensconce myself in my own misery and disengage.  Now, what else was there like that?  Some liquid?  Some basic ethanol?

And what else? You know it is really difficult to listen to people you disagree with, but, it is so worth it.  I very rarely learn anything from anyone I agree with.  I'm sorry.  It isn't that I want to fight, it is that I want to understand what I might not understand now that could add value to my life that I don't have.

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