Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Staying Underwhelmed -

I've been intensely focused on staying localized within my own sphere of being.  That sounds sort of opaque, I realize, and what I mean isn't quite definable.  It is a zone of being within what I care about, and trying hard not to get caught up in what doesn't matter.  There's endless ways to get caught up, and each one seems to be gluey and sticky and almost aggressively alive, and normally I'd be oh-so-open to just being absorbed into everything else, telling myself all the while that I'm cool with it, cool with it, cool with it, repeated like a mantra, when the entire time I'm internally freaking out, imploding in a kind of restrained frozen way that is painful because it cannot be expressed correctly and because there's nobody to really express such experiences to, exactly, though some folks masquerade as soothsayers in this respect.  I used to imagine how it all might work out without thinking for a second about how to get where it was working out, and now I see steps--specific and concrete--toward what I want, even when what I want is a mindset, a way of existing, and I exercise those steps with as much patience as possible, which I admit, doesn't meet threshold acceptance on most days, and yes, I can just adjust my expectations, except that I cannot adjust my expectations, and it is the slow strangulation of results which I must lather in if I am to succeed at all.

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