Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Next Few Weeks

Lots of changes ahead in the next few weeks for me here.  I'm starting a new job, and, if everything works out, moving.  Hopefully this will be the beginning to a large span of relative satisfaction, although I'll admit to a bit of mounting anxiety.  I'll say this about anxiety for good things: the only way to really face it is to move forward and continue to move forward as much as possible--to try to exist within the anxiety as much as possible and not run away from it or try to avoid it.  Sounds kind of strange to write it out like that, as if I had a choice about the matter.  Still, this involves a bit of faith, I suppose.  Some faith that continued perseverance will lead toward comfort, and eventually, a greater state of being.  I'll admit that I've been extremely bored for much of the last few months.  Boredom is funny, because it isn't comfortable--we desire change--yet it is comfortable in a way that is perhaps not completely healthy.  We don't necessary have the inertia to make a change, or else we already would have done so, and wouldn't be bored. So, generally, boredom has something to do with our inability, our lack of capacity to act, and that can be internal or external.  Either way, there are some changes for me up ahead, and that's welcome--I can simultaneously know they are all for the better and be slightly nervous about them, even though I recognize that my nerves are almost entirely irrational.  Recognizing that which is irrational, it seems, doesn't make it go away.

I'm forcing myself to go out and see some music tonight, and will drive on purpose so as to have a handy excuse not to drink.  It is certainly possible that a drink will simply be given to me, in which case I'll politely give it to the friend who knows that I'm not drinking.  Other friend who knows this and may give me the drink means well, just that he doesn't exactly respect these lines of sobriety.  So, I know this is a dangerous situation for all of you out there screaming it at me.  I'm not going to drink.  Even if I have to hold a drink for few minutes, I won't drink.  The goal is to show up, see the scene, listen to a few tunes, and leave in time to wake up tomorrow morning for work--i.e. 11:30 at the latest.

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