Saturday, August 28, 2010

Why Not Drink(!) For Goodness Sake!

I find that I have to come up with good and specific reasons not to drink, because the generalized and dramatic reason of end of life and bad health both psychological and physical and irresponsibility toward my significant other just doesn't really come close to the desire to drink on a daily basis. Not everyday, mind you, it isn't that ghoulish or depraved, and nothing is one dimensional, sure, but threats against existence aren't the best ways to get people to act in accordance with a wish/want unless immediate and direct.  So incentivize me!  I don't want to live like a nun.  But I do want to drink some times, and fit in, and there it is folks--I really do want to fit in, and it fits me that I could drink and fit in, and be popular and social and enjoyable and regular.  At the same time, I don't want to fit in completely but to epitomize that which can be aspired to.

Eventually though, I've found that I have to let everything go--my own expectations as played out through paranoia or through expectations that I lay on to other people's eyes as they screen me, my inability to be the best, and face up to where I am now, in my life.  I think that I've largely done that, but let's remember that such things don't just stay largely done.  They need constant attention and pruning to behave and grow in the most beneficial manner, and that takes time and energy and patience.  So I've/You've got to have patience with yourself/myself, because in a way, it is all you can have.  Without it you don't live, you just get deeply frustrated, even nauseous at your own existence, and everybody else around you, and that can actually turn into arrogance if you let it go unchecked, believe it or not--not that you want to care about other people's view of you, but you do want to care in a way that is proportional and healthy without the desperate need to check in and figure out how all of those relationships are interweaving themselves, because the reality is that I/you just want to live and not be hampered down, which is a reason to keep going sober, if it might be allowed for the briefest of moments.

1 comment:

maya said...

It's cool you are updating frequently! Happy belated!