Not drinking has for me produced more self-doubt, crippling lack of self-esteem, and all around nausea, than I knew could exist.
I've become aware of a good many things, my own smallness being one of the "major" minor things.
It is good to be involved in life, in the most affirmative possible way, better than sitting back and criticizing structure. Actual endeavor inward is far harder, too.
Emotional outletting seems easier with alcohol, and it is likewise easy to criticize those who might go for "cheap" emotional outletting. One of the major things I'm still working on is letting other people leave the equation for my own emotional outletting. I can't go around feeling bad just because I think people feel unnaturally or cheaply good. So what? So what if they do.
There are myriad people and myriad ways for happiness and unhappiness to occur. It doesn't follow straight lines and that means that shared assumptions are actually more common and intensely less frequent than we would like. More common because we all cut inter-subjective distance often with little words and gestures designed to make people we want to impress feel good about themselves (we ask them about their interests, make believe that we also are interested, for instance, even telling ourselves that we are interested). Acutely less frequent than we want to realize, because realizing this entails a fair bit of loneliness, and if not, some fair bit of communication that requires work.
Ah well.
No comments:
Post a Comment