is really only tendrils, bits and fragments. We add in the story line, provide for the reason, and insert the narrative, all as we try to talk about it and figure it out. There are capital "T" truths about the physical world, and there are real consequences to actions. I'm not sure it goes beyond that.
edit: this is a rambling post,.
When I was a kid, peering over the ledge of adult behavior, I often felt that those outside of my head were whole full beings with compelled actions and necessary motives. Mostly that people know what they're doing and why they're doing it, and also that it is relatively well thought out.
Let's be fair though. We're not all just scraping the barrel of existence with a rusted metal can, trying hard to show everyone how much we're suffering or bits and pieces of a self that never coalesces around something tangible. But we are changing and morphing and there are simultaneously moving and stable parts to the thing we call the self. Although some actions might be supported by vast reasoning systems, they may not be more correct than a gut reaction. We don't know. What we can do is measure reactions, to the extent we know how, across different contexts, and also measure how much energy we need to propel us forward into that action. We can do a somewhat sophisticated cost-benefit analysis of actions in short. We'd do well to take into account the time it took to take our actions into account as well.
Lately I've been really upset at some good things because I've got an irrational fear of death. Like I won't get the chance to fully complete the thing I'm just now starting to get excited about because I have some progress, and that is so sad that I can potentially use it as an excuse. If I was drinking I would easily do so. For now, I'll say that drinking sure does take up a lot of time. I don't often give myself the amount of time drinking gave me, when I was doing it, and in some ways it is a roundabout way to just take a load off.
Anyway, because time seems to be getting faster. The problem is that really truly rewarding stuff can also be the same stuff that provides the texture of everyday life, or at least the substrate breaking out of the mundane boredom. A lot depends on shifting perspective and values away from purely ego-centric goals. Same thing goes when trying to get a handle on all those "adults" out there. Those that have a sense of proportion don't end up doing stupid things, like putting themselves or their drinking in front of their family. They don't follow up on something idealistic with more idealism. Instead, they get to work and realize that important things take time.
Projects take time. They always will. And when you obtain something and finish a project, the true joy will have been the process, and sharing that process with others who enjoy it too, for the sake of it. That's why we'll start another project, be compelled to discover something more, whatever it is, and I hope that I'll get a chance to complete a few solid projects in my life so that I can feel good about my productivity levels and all of that, but I also hope that I have enough wherewithal to be working forward on something new when I do die.
Why am I getting so deep into this manner of speaking? Well, my drinking self, as a counterpoint, would ogle at the dreams and then coast by on easy accomplishment. But there's something hollow about accomplishments when you haven't worked for them, even when they are things that evoke jealousy and provide money and prestige. There's something substantial about figuring out what you want over time, and continually working toward it. After being sober for six months, I'm beginning to see the landscape around me with farther ranging eyes, perhaps for the first time in my life. It is fascinating out there. I want to be around to check it out in some detail.
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