Friday, July 11, 2014


I meant to write this "in the moment."

I was feeling slightly--albeit ever so slightly--magical.  There was a sense of promise.  A whiff of nostalgia mixed in with the possibility of change, the connection to something larger.  The awe-inspiring performance of total immersion in an activity.

Anyway, I don't often feel this way.  Lately I've been getting better, though, having more frequent "high consistent energy" type days.   I've been sleeping consistently too, that is, not waking up at night as much as I used to.  I've been eating less.  I have control over my hunger.  For the first time in a long long time.  A little bit of honest control.  Not to brutal ends, no.  To moderate ones.  I've been out of control, quite literally, for many years.

I like to aim toward poise.  I don't think it didactic or excessive or wrong.  I respect poise.  I respect restrained intelligence.  I respect people who firmly know when they don't know and aggressively pursue.  I want to be like that more often.  I don't think it is bad to aim toward betterment of self, to change oneself, and to blossom into something new.  Consistency is in some regards quite over-rated, when it, for instance, keeps people blinded, when they feel like they have to "keep it real" and stay emotionally immature, act out, or do other inane shit to basically signal their capacity to exhibit normal social behavior for a particular group.  I say show yourself as someone who is striving to be better.  There's nothing wrong with that.  That's not a reason to feel shame.  Anyone who wants to make you feel shame for that shouldn't be allowed "in" emotionally.  People should feel shame for abusing their wives, for manipulating a benefits system, or even for not pushing themselves.  They shouldn't feel it for true effort.

I'm convinced that sustained and true effort and magic are strongly related.

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