Tuesday, April 10, 2012

You Don't Have to Be In Charge of Making Things Okay.

There will be conflict.  It isn't something you need to pander to, or to control.  That's something I've been learning.  Conflict isn't going away.  I've led my life away from it, choosing to placate assholes and be nice to people who are mean to me.

And what do I say to myself and others when I'm nice?  I'm saying: "Go ahead and be mean to me again!  Use me.  Abuse me.  Do whatever you want, because you don't have to worry about me leaving.  I'm a faithful do-gooder."

Yeah, a do-gooder who craves acceptance like a precocious kid.

The worse part of this story, which I'm just realizing as I re-read the above, is that I, in turn, had/have become an asshole to other people who don't deserve it, simply because I have refused to state explicitly my disagreements with assholes above me.  I bring it home, in other words.  And that's wrong.  Wrong wrong wrong.

So even when my instincts tell me to appease, I'm going to pause and try very hard to ask whether conclusions being drawn are advantageous to me, or not, and if not, speak up. We won't often get another chance, after all, and fully realizing that is shocking.

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