Monday, February 27, 2012

Saying "Fuck Everything" Is Illogical and Lazy.

No matter how much I want to say it, dream of saying it, or practice how I might say it were I to go ahead with the damned statement, it doesn't make sense.  Life is--breathe with me here--about getting into stuff, and developing yourself within that stuff--not about your status so much, as about your purpose, I think, in that you desire what it is you like to do absent too much social rewards (I'm not foolish enough to think that we can excise social rewards completely).   That's why dead end jobs (or regular jobs?) can suck so much: they have no purpose outside of financial reward, which is, at heart, not satisfying.  Sure, you can learn to spend the money you make on what you care for, and this is the essence of "life as a budget item," with limited capacity and limited choice, etc.  What I'm talking about here is only that stuff that's exquisitely intangible and highly personally rewarding.  Catching a sunrise on an early morning run.  Making someone else laugh genuinely (implied, that you've spread their perception a bit wider, or focused it in a slightly different way than previous).  Laughing to yourself on an isolated street, or in a crowded coffee shop.  The shock and pungency of getting drawn in, to a conversation that you didn't expect.

The layers upon layers of time that we're lucky enough to have and don't fully appreciate while staying aware that we should appreciate them, and our capacity to talk about those layers and that consciousness in a light-hearted or serious way, and to respond to statements that are as abstract as these without even wincing.

Forgiving Someone.

Failing and having the flexibility to keep on working without full understanding.

The smell of maple leaves in autumn.

The maroon LL Bean sweater I've had for 13 years.

Believing that connections between people are possible, even if awkward and difficult.

Making breakfast for someone.

Learning a language.

Being comfortable in a social setting.

Learning that perfection is youthful delusion, but that it is worth keeping in mind anyway.

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