Hard To Get Hold/Firm Grasp/Purchase

In a way, the only "grasp" we can have is self-induced.  If we don't intrinsically feel grounded, well, we won't be grounded.  It is really as simple as that.  There is no reference, no person, and no place/event that can define us beyond the meaning we apply to those references, people, and/or events, no matter the permutations, the complexity, the layering, all of the aching meaning we WANT there to be.  And still, at times, we know when meaning "is" there and we know when it "isn't" even when we want it.  So wanting it does not seem to be the actual variable that determines what is--that is, whether we ourselves are grounded or not.  We can't just want to be grounded and make it happen.

Which is to say sometimes we have to be lost.

And sometimes, we have to be very lost.

And that is quite scary.  Way scarier than I can write in words.  Because if you know the lost/scare I reference, then you know it already, and I will not be able to show it or not show it.  You've got it by reference of sorts, and so.  Perhaps I disprove my earlier point in a way, or maybe prove it.  Whatever.

The point is that being scared and seeking stable ground is intrinsic to our existence, and we might not be able to get rid of it--period.  Ever.   This is the whole faith issue, in general, the capacity to have faith that there is something worthwhile, that life has meaning, and that the meaning we impute on things is somewhat accurate to the intrinsic meaning, or even the meaning we really have in relation to those things--i.e. that we're not lying to ourselves.

It can get quite scary, again, when we're totally unsure whether the thoughts we have are in fact relevant in any way to reality, and yet: thoughts that we have are the only way to get back to reality, to reconnect.

Thoughts, or experiences, rather.  Sometimes the funnel-cloud of thoughts, swirling while listening to music, for instance, or riding a train, in a somewhat opaque cloud that isn't distilled, on purpose, and isn't distillable.

And to bridge that chasm, yes, we need a little faith, not always in all the grand stuff that "is" out there, but just straight up in other people--that they care about us, for instance, and that we care about them and that our mutual caring is intrinsically good, and not, for example, just a way for genes to reproduce successfully.  And I think that it is good and not just vessel-like, and I hope it is.  And I feel enough beauty still, in my life, to maintain a flicker of hope in all of the tremendous confusion, but I know that I don't have the answers and I've grown a deep humility along the way.  And that is not a fun process.  But it is a solid one, that, ironically, allows me to feel slightly more solid with myself, too.

This is like the incompleteness theorem.  I have to feel insecure to feel secure.