Bad Stuff Happening - The Game.

Let's play a game.

Let's only deal with bad stuff happening when it is actually, really, happening.

If it isn't happening, in defined, concrete and objective ways, ways that are somehow actually impactful, and not purely mental (including gossip), let's just not deal with it.  Since, well, there's honestly no it to deal with.

Let's try that for a few days.  All the bad stuff on the registry, ready to occur?  You know the stuff I'm talking about.  Let's only deal with it if it is real.  I have a feeling it might make life a little more enjoyable.

Happiness In Life -- It Happens Only Now

Would you be happy with your life if nothing changed--that is, if from now, from whatever present circumstances you have (job, family, et al), nothing substantially different happened/changed?  That is, you didn't get to "win" any of your myriad fantasies?

Could you force yourself to be happy, to be content and sated?

I'm asking because I have a deep suspicion that true happiness will only occur if the answer to that question is yes.

In other words: happiness cannot be predicated on changing any of the fundamental attributes of life.  That is the challenge of happiness.  It is not, in other words, to necessarily work hard to obtain the types of things that most of us think signify happiness.  It is to let go of those things so utterly and completely that you're naked, and in that nakedness, that fundamental vulnerability, feel totally content.

This is it, folks.  Get used to it, adjust, and find a way to see your life that is not ensconced in the fluff of impossibility and innuendo at more important lurking events/places/things on the horizon.  '

Now, just imagine getting to this mindset, and then obtaining something that really matters.  Instead of feeling like you deserved it, and it is just one thing that you have, you might actually value it as something incredibly special and totally unique, and feel a deep sense of humility.

Normal Ain't So Bad -

In fact, for us addicts, it is downright difficult, and that's probably why we think it is so pathetic, prosaic, and just plain stupid/boring--because we have trouble being it.  Normal, that is.  For goodness sake, what's wrong with it again?  Stability.  Peace of mind.  Expected routine.  Habit.

And so, let's stop thinking we're so damn exceptional all the time, okay?

That doesn't mean it has to be depressing or banal or clinically registered.  It just means we can get joys and not go to extremes.

Blah blah blah, self, takes a lot of learning to get there.

yes, it does, self.

Hard To Get Hold/Firm Grasp/Purchase

In a way, the only "grasp" we can have is self-induced.  If we don't intrinsically feel grounded, well, we won't be grounded.  It is really as simple as that.  There is no reference, no person, and no place/event that can define us beyond the meaning we apply to those references, people, and/or events, no matter the permutations, the complexity, the layering, all of the aching meaning we WANT there to be.  And still, at times, we know when meaning "is" there and we know when it "isn't" even when we want it.  So wanting it does not seem to be the actual variable that determines what is--that is, whether we ourselves are grounded or not.  We can't just want to be grounded and make it happen.

Which is to say sometimes we have to be lost.

And sometimes, we have to be very lost.

And that is quite scary.  Way scarier than I can write in words.  Because if you know the lost/scare I reference, then you know it already, and I will not be able to show it or not show it.  You've got it by reference of sorts, and so.  Perhaps I disprove my earlier point in a way, or maybe prove it.  Whatever.

The point is that being scared and seeking stable ground is intrinsic to our existence, and we might not be able to get rid of it--period.  Ever.   This is the whole faith issue, in general, the capacity to have faith that there is something worthwhile, that life has meaning, and that the meaning we impute on things is somewhat accurate to the intrinsic meaning, or even the meaning we really have in relation to those things--i.e. that we're not lying to ourselves.

It can get quite scary, again, when we're totally unsure whether the thoughts we have are in fact relevant in any way to reality, and yet: thoughts that we have are the only way to get back to reality, to reconnect.

Thoughts, or experiences, rather.  Sometimes the funnel-cloud of thoughts, swirling while listening to music, for instance, or riding a train, in a somewhat opaque cloud that isn't distilled, on purpose, and isn't distillable.

And to bridge that chasm, yes, we need a little faith, not always in all the grand stuff that "is" out there, but just straight up in other people--that they care about us, for instance, and that we care about them and that our mutual caring is intrinsically good, and not, for example, just a way for genes to reproduce successfully.  And I think that it is good and not just vessel-like, and I hope it is.  And I feel enough beauty still, in my life, to maintain a flicker of hope in all of the tremendous confusion, but I know that I don't have the answers and I've grown a deep humility along the way.  And that is not a fun process.  But it is a solid one, that, ironically, allows me to feel slightly more solid with myself, too.

This is like the incompleteness theorem.  I have to feel insecure to feel secure.

Owning Up, Releasing Shame

This one is hard to do, but hey, let's give it a shot.  Instead of holding on to the shame, bitterness, and the outrage that has settled into grooves around our collective eyes, let's instead find a way to own up to our past(s) and be at peace with those pasts, such that they do not negatively impact our current and future selves.

It is easy, especially after partaken in tremendous amounts of shame inducing activities, to NOT LEARN from those activities, but instead let the lead blanket of shame that came from those activities cover up current life.  But that's really no way to live.  Nor is the other extreme, simply forgetting about the past completely.  But there is a sweet spot here, one that is highly idiosyncratic, that you cannot learn from others necessarily, but must endeavor to find on your own pace and intensity.

Which is to say that you don't need to hold on so desperately to all of the bad stuff, even or especially because it is familiar and routine.  It is possible not to be defensive and insecure and to live into the future on a level plane of curiosity, neutrality, and relative engagement.