Rushing Completion

I've basically rushed through everything in my life.  Everything has been a hack job, even though I've defended myself, even internally to myself, all the while, that I'm doing the most competent and thorough work imaginable.  It isn't true.  I've been a bit of a hack.

I know, I know, don't be hard on yourself and whatnot.  But seriously.   I know I have been.  I know a lot of people are.  We sort of seek comfort and we sort of don't want to indulge in hard work for the sake of hard work without a bigger reason.  And even with a bigger reason, it is easy enough to free ride in a lot of contexts.

But one thing that sobriety has birthed in me is the need to actually accomplish something worthy and semi-sacred.  It doesn't have to be religious.  But I want to work on a project and see it through to its logical end, and that logical end might be years away.  And since I've been trying to work on such projects, I've realized that I'm basically a hack, and that if I want to "really" accomplish these things I have to slow down and be mindful and work like a grazer, a meanderer, and not a machine built for a specific goal of x.   Because even though goal itself, of x, is something I fabricated from a hacker mindset, from the anxious quick fix mindset, from a mindset that told me to fill my life up, but do it quick already and get back to .... you know, everyone.