Not Drinking is Anti-Ego -

Presumably, at least, alcohol allows the ease of justification to be even easier, and the plausibility of excuse more room to grow.

Choosing not to drink is, in this way, a step toward anti-ego, a stepping down.  And it hurts.

Self-perception of our own standing in the world is tricky.  We can zoom out all the way and say nothing matters.  Or we can zoom in all the way and say that everything matters, including the way that people notice us in a glance.  Neither provides comfort, necessarily.  Adding much difficulty is the strange fact that we're not always sure what lens we're using, macro or micro.  Or neither.  Claims of neutrality in this regard are hard to stomach.  They're easier to stomach when the stomach has a bunch of vodka in it.   I feel less existentially nauseous when I'm bloated with booze.

But I'm not bloated with booze.  And I'm hopping the shimmering diving board in front of me keeps on going forward a little longer than expected, so that, maybe, it will just arch and let me off on the ground easily.