I can't look away. .

Sleep doesn't help. Coffee hurts. Tea helps mildly. Laughing and movement remain the sole tonic available to me. Music is acceptable in a pinch, but can't be overly relied on. Life is inescapable in all ways except for death, and that's not comforting. I'm not talking about easy anxiety here, or some sort of slow motion implosion, or the fundamental realization that my overall worth for the world is quite low, or the idea that I can harm myself in the long term by acting on short term interests, or even disregarding solid and real gains from sobriety. But. Reality is catching up with me.