Thoughts that don't apply to me.

I've minimized the extent to which certain events have impacted me (like my father's death, which, even written here as an aside, is odd: I don't own it, after all, so how can i so casually write it.).  Insert piece of dark chocolate into mouth.   Refresh browser. 


Thoughts like this: If I were to console a friend because of her dad's death, what would I say and think about it?  That it is horrible, and unexpected and that she's too young to have lost a parent.  Because losing a parent really is a big time tragedy right?  It isn't one of those little issues that develop over time to become bigger (self consciousness, or hatred of work?)? It actually stands on its own as something objectively devastating right? 

I would say so to anyone else not myself.  To myself, it is so hard to deal with that I'm not even sure if it happened.  I am sure.  I know it happened, you know, out there in the world.  I know I don't have access to my dad anymore.  I know that I can't call him on the phone when something good happens.  Not that so many good things have happened, but of those select genuinely good things, those celebratory times, well, he's not there to call, even if I pull out the phone.

It has been over 10 years.  Over 10 years.  I can't get over it.  That it has been so long.  Or that it happened and I've been functioning for so long without him.  He didn't particularly help me function in an explicit way, sure, but he was around, available in some basic way, even if it was to hate him (which i never did, but I do know people legitimately in this situation (guess what, their situation involves a heavily drinking father)).

And that's it.  There's nothing left to write now.  There's nothing left to think, or to feel.   It doesn't matter, because no matter how intense the emotion, or how high the high, or how sober I might be, there's no way to go out and check my emotions about it with him, to get some real world feedback to compare to what's been going on in my head.  Yes, oh, I can go out and get people's thoughts about it. They'll tell me things.  I can process their thoughts. I can understand them, where they come from.  I can even let them in to my personal assessment of myself (and this is not something that occurs with so much ease, certainly not something that many people validly accomplish), let them have authority over my judgment if you will allow, and it still doesn't matter. I'm speaking from experience here, not from some need to vomit up my emotions on the future. 

Insert your own concluding thought here.